I've finally found the cause of the Browns "swine" flu outbreak. I've heard some players have been infected with H1N1. But I fear that a strain of the "Bovine Flu" (W7L9) has infected them as well. It's been a week in a half and the Bills are the known carriers, and have infected the entire league with their terrible play. They contracted this plague soon after they were slaughtered like cows by the dolphins. The next two weeks of some of the worst games of professional football in the history of the sport were played. The following might disturb you, Viewer discretion is advised:

-Two weeks ago Derek Anderson was 2-17 for 23 yards and an interception. Edwards passes for 6x the yards. The Bills commit 13 penalties including 9 false starts. They actually commit more but the Browns decline some. Bills cough up the ball on the goal line. The Browns win is the first win by a quarterback with that statline since the merger.

-The Jets and Bills were a combined 8 of 31 on third down, 0 of 4 in the red zone, and got flagged for 22 penalties. Sanchez throws 5 interceptions and even the holder throws an interception.

-The Jets 318 rushing yards is the most rushing yards by a losing team in a game since 1944, and the second most in NFL history. And from 1932 to 2008, teams were 142-8 in games where they rushed for 300 or more yards, and they're 66-1 since 1970.

-In the last two weeks the combined QB rating of Mark Sanchez and Derek Anderson is just over 25. What's the significance? Just by putting your helmet on to start the game you BEGIN with a rating of 39.6. That might be one of the most amazing stats of the NFL season, and the even more amazing thing is that the Bills actually lost one of those games and almost lost the other one!


The Carolina Panthers should wear surgical masks when they play the Bills because their quarterback Jake Delhomme is already showing symptoms of the disease. Doctors are hard at work to find a cure for the Bovine flu.Symptoms of the flu include:

-Jitters and Involuntary twitches(False starts)
-Loss of basic motor skills(Muffed Punts)
-Masochistic and Self-Destructive behaviors (blocks in the back)
-Nausea(Bills Offense)
-Fatigue (Bills Defense)
-Blindness(Inability to see down the field)
-Loss of Memory(needing to go over gametapes instead of recalling major plays of the game)
-Impotency(inability to stop on 3rd down)
-Loss of Personality/Multiple Personalities(T.O.)

In rare cases the flu may cause:
-Skeletonization(Dick Jauron)

The most serious side effects are the mental disorders those with Bovine flu may inflict on populations close to them (fans):

These include:
-Schizophrenia
-Theft of wooden or gold objects
-Destruction of property
-Alcoholism
-Depression
-Instability
-Anger Issues
-Inconsolable Sadness
-Insomnia
-Binge Eating
-Inferiority Complex
-Mood Swings
-Bipolar Disorder
-Nostalgic or Reactionary views
-Nihilism
-Stockholm Syndrome
-Battered Woman's Syndrome
-Masking
-Paranoia
-Anxiety and Fear of the future  

The only cure for Bovine flu is an antibiotic called W. If you see someone with Bovine flu symptoms please encourage them to try W before it's too late.