The Only Realistic Game Plan for Green Bay

Sun Tzu says: "If you know others and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles". Admittedly he didn't say it exactly like that, as he was living in the Spring and Autumn Period (722-481 BC) of China and English was almost two millenia away from taking its current modern form. You get the idea though. We know the Green Bay Packers. They have an explosive West Coast offense run by one of the best young quarterbacks in the league, and a big play defense centered around LB Clay Matthews and CB Charles Woodson. We also know the Bills. We have, perhaps, an above average defense which camouflages its weak pass rush with good coverage and pressure packages, and we have a below average offense, which camouflages its weaknesses with...well, it doesn't. So how would a mediocre rebuilding club like the Bills topple a chic pick to make the Super Bowl like the Packers? The answer is simple: wacky National Lampoon-esque hijinks.

The first step will be to outfit some of our players in Green Bay uniforms. These agents will have the two pronged effect of gathering valuable information about the Packers' game plan, while spreading false information about the Bills. The Green Bay staff will eventually notice that they dressed 60 players or so for the game and will begin a head count to determine who they brought. While they are doing so, an operative dressed as a ball boy will continually distract them, giving our our undercover players time to slip away unnoticed. This will have to be Roscoe, having proven to be fearless in his punt return duties, and also as one of the only players who is a normal size human being. No one looks at a 5'8" 170-pound man and thinks he's a football player. At that size however, he stacks up pretty well as a ball boy. Once all of our agents has slipped away, Roscoe will throw a smoke bomb at this feet, and melt laughing into the night. This should all be good for at least a touchdown.

Next, we will have Moorman (who I am assuming is a brilliant scientist in his spare time, mostly based on the size of his skull) will place remote control devices with miniature engines in the K-balls. This will ensure good starting field position for us, and will increase the number of punts muffed by Green Bay substantially. It will also have the benefit of extending Lindell's range to approxmiately 97 yards.

Now I know what you're going to say: "Thats all well and good PozD, but what about their Pro Bowl roster? We won't beat them on improbably long field goals alone." You are absolutely right, and that is why I have developed some surprises to deal with each of their best players.

Aaron Rodgers- The key to stopping any elite QB is to make him uncomfortable in the pocket, and whats potentially more uncomfortable than public nudity? To that end, we will coat the interior of his tights with a layer of bacon fat, ensuring that it will slip down with the slightest of movements. Anyone who has played the QB position on any level will tell you that it is extremely difficult to throw an accurate fade when 60,000 people are staring at your shame. Even if Rodgers proves to be something of an exhibitionist, he will be unable to step into his throws due to the tights around his ankles.

Greg Jennings- How does one deal with a Pro Bowl receiver? Five simple words: Everyone is allergic to something. It should be a simple matter to sift through his medical history and come up with something that he hyper allergic to. It should be an even simpler matter to crush that substance into a fine powder and coat it on all of the balls for next weeks game. Each time the ball bits his hands a cloud of powder will settle into his nostrils, rendering him helpless and possibly cartoonishly swollen.

Clay Matthews- Its well known that Matthews spends six days a week as mild mannered Dr. Donald Blake, and only becomes Clay Matthews on Sundays after striking his walking stick against the ground. We will steal it.

Charles Woodson- This one stumped me for a while, because the only person that can really stop Charles Woodson is Charles Woodson. Then it hit me- we will clone Charles Woodson. He will have all the abilities of Regular Woodson (tremendous nose for the ball, x-ray vision), and will only be distinguishable by a scar on his right cheek. We will play Bizarro Woodson at WR opposite himself most of the day, thus negating his impact.

Mike McCarthy- Having blown all my budget on Packers' uniforms, bacon fat, small model airplane engines, allergents and Bizarro Woodson, I will try to steal his car keys.

Remember: This game plan is top secret and should not be discussed with outsiders or posted to any public forum, like for example, a free and easy to access sports blog read by thousands each week. That would be a disaster.