I said I wasn’t going to put together a mock draft until after free agency was over……I lied….chalk it up to poor character on my part. I’m sure my draft stock has dropped a few rounds on Poz’s big board and Sgt Major Thor has taken me completely off his board. Lucky for me, sireric doesn’t give a sh!t and I may have actually jumped up into his top ten. Sireric’s consistent desire for low character dbags and high risk pot smokers with incredible physical talent was the inspiration for this draft…..that and the fact that after all these years, he has never given one of my mocks an “A”. I usually provide links with my mocks, but screw you guys….do your own damn research if you don’t believe me. So without further delay……hahhhahahaha lied again….don’t forget to vote in the poll or I will come to your house, pee in your flower bed, and leave a flaming bag of dog poop on your front porch.
Rd 1 – LB - Alec Ogletree – 6’2”, 242lbs. Ogletree has had multiple off-the-field issues over his career. He was suspended the first game of his freshman season after being arrested for stealing a track athlete's motorcycle helmet. Ogletree was suspended for the first four games of the 2012 season for reportedly failing drug tests. Just weeks before the combine, Ogletree was arrested for speeding, illegal lane change (I know....kids these days), and DUI (guess that explains the illegal lane changing). The kicker is he is the perfect OLB/ILB for Pettine’s defense and a top ten pick without the character issues.
Rd 2 – QB - Tyler Bray – 6’6”, 232lbs. Bray has one hell of an arm, as evidence of the vandalized cars he pelted with beer bottles and golf balls. And if that wasn’t enough, he may have been trying to kill or at least drowned some people with his jet ski. I really don’t mind him yelling at his coaches on the sidelines during games….they deserved it…stupid know it all coaches. Then, at the combine he got so nervous at the podium, he early peed his pants. But don’t worry Bills fans, Buddy is on the case. “Tyler”, I says to him, “You don’t throw half empty beer bottles at da cars….ya drink em and shoot dim empties with your shotgun”. I’m sure Buddy got through to him.
Rd 3 – WR - Da’Rick Rodgers – 6’2”, 217lbs. Rodgers was kicked off of Tennessee's football team just before the 2012 season. Rogers said afterwards it was for testing positive for smoking pot. Give the kids a break....his parents named him Da'Rick "Dick" Rodgers. Rodgers has prototypical size and toughness (mostly from getting his butt kicked on the playground). He has good hands and speed....think Julio Jones smoking a joint. His taste for the wacky weed and a deep WR draft will push him down to the 3rd round.
Rd 4 – CB – Tyrann Mathieu - 5’9”, 186lbs. The Honey Badger…..he don’t give a sh!t. But he sure knows how to smoke it. He was kicked out of LSU for failing at least 3 drug test. But he went to the same rehab as Lindsey Lohan and is now just fine. Besides, how can Nix not draft a guy who shares his nickname. Doesn’t hurt that he has sick ball skills. Who cares if he is short....he “high points” a ball better than any other DB in this draft.
Rd 5 – ILB – Rolando McClain – Buddy trades our 5th round pick for McClain. What do you have to do for the Raiders to suspend you???? Marrone first words…..”Don’t even think about Yippie-Ki-Yaying me Mother@#$%#$”.
Rd 6 – Armonty Bryant – DE – 6’4”, 263lbs – This dude didn’t just use drug….he sold them. I wonder if he got his degree in business???? Explosive, powerful, but technically raw, Bryant could have been a 2nd round pick if he played in a big time program. He would probably go undrafted but Buddy heard the Cowboys want him (no, I’m not kidding), so Buddy takes him in the 6th.
FA signing – Tim Tebow. Tebow will get all these slackers and pot heads on the straight and narrow….plus we could use a backup/wildcat QB/punt protector after we cut Fitz and Smith. SuperBowl!!!!!