So I've managed to build an android which simulates Doug Marrone in every way but one -- all his answers come in the form of movie quotes. Personally I think Robot Marrone passes the Turing Test, and reporters can't tell him apart from the real Marrone. Read this recent Robot Marrone press conference and decide for yourselves!
Q. Coach Marrone, how would you describe your basic philosophy as a coach?
A. "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women."
Q. How do you feel about your offensive weapons at RB and WR?
A. "I had a dream last night. In my dream it came to me... that the whole NFL is now mine for the taking. Think about that. A year ago I was coaching in Syracuse. Now I have precisely the right instrument at precisely the right moment of history and exactly the right place. This will change too, very quickly, like a planet spinning off into the universe."
Q. How do you feel about the 8am practices?
A. "I love the smell of football in the morning. It smells like... VICTORY."
Q. Are you worried whether Jairus Byrd will play for you this season?
A. "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."
Q. In week 8 of this year, your Bills will face off against the Saints and Sean Payton, your former boss. How do you feel about this?
A. "Payton, you magnificent bast*rd! I READ YOUR PLAYBOOK!"
Q. (Tim Graham) "Coach, you refuse to give us any details about Mario Williams foot, and I've had just about enough of it. As a press member, I'm entitled to.."
A. Robot Marrone shoots laser at another Buffalo News reporter.
Q. (Tim Graham, panicked) "What?"
A. "Oh I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. You were saying something about being entitled."
Q. (Tim Graham) "What?"
A. "What ain't no country I've ever heard of! They speak English in What?"
Q. (Tim Graham) "What?"
A. "English Tim Graham! Do you speak it?"
Q. (Tim Graham) "What?"
A. Robot Marrone points robot laser at Graham. "Say what again! Say what one more time, I dare you!"
Q. (Tim Graham) "What?"
A. Robot Marrone lasers Tim Graham.
Q. (Jerry Sullivan) I don't think that's any way to treat elite Buffalo News sports reporters, Coach Marrone.
A. "Put your teeth on the curb, Jerry Sullivan."
I know, I know, the robot is unrealistically patient with reporter questions. I'm still working on that. But I'm telling you -- with enough work, one day Robot Marrone will be a coach himself!
What do you think?
