You might have heard by now that the Buffalo Bills have the notable distinction of making four Super Bowls in a row, sadly losing each one. This has led to ridicule in the form of terrible jokes such as the acrimonious acronym “Boy I Love Losing Super Bowls.” And in the infinite cruelty of sports, every four years the Bills must confront all of the teams they fell to in those four consecutive Januarys.
But no longer will the Bills sit back and let the ghosts of Super Bowls past haunt them and their fans. Not when they have the home-run hitting, beer-chugging, Samus Aran cannon-like Josh Allen leading the way! The 2019 season will go down in history as the longest streak of correcting wrongs from the past since Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell got together in the desert. Each week, as Allen and the Bills tear apart a new hated team we’ll ask the important question. Will the next leap, be the leap
over a starting linebacker home?
The 2019 Revenge Tour
The revenge tour starts off in Week 2 as the Bills travel back to New Jersey to kick the leap out of the New York Giants. A younger but still grumpy (and probably cheating) Bill Belichick robbed the Bills of their first potential Super Bowl victory. Buffalo will exorcise their first demon and take revenge on the less-patriotic-than-us metallic blue-clad and decidedly not-really-from-New-York Giants. The G-men, led by either a rookie quarterback or the desiccated arm of Eli Manning taped to a Roomba won’t know what hit them.
In Week 5, the revenge tour takes a non-Super Bowl related stop in Nashville where Josh Allen will make sure they understand what a forward pass looks like. The Titans’ defensive backs’ll end up singin’ the blues in Printer’s Alley after the Bills fully shake that infamous monkey off the franchise’s back.
There’s no time to cool the rage as the term “guilt by association” makes the Philadelphia Eagles the next victim in Week 8. Yeah, yeah; the Eagles are the only current NFC East team the Bills never played in the Super Bowl and we all love them for the hurtin’ they put on the Brady/Belichick New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. That doesn’t mean we can’t put a hurtin’ on them and their British royalty-impersonating quarterback for good measure. This year the Bills go nuclear on the NFC East. No team left standing, just to be safe.
The very next week Washington will be lulled into a false sense of security as they wrongly think the Bills expended all their wrath on the Eagles. By the time they realize the fury has only increased, the Bills will be busy “Rypien” them apart. The “Mark” left by the Bills will brand them for life.
The team that beat the Bills in two big games is the perfect finale. The Dallas Cowboys make the mistake of inviting the Bills to their house on Thanksgiving Day. The revenge tour ends in ceremonial fashion as the Buffalo Bills devour not only the turkey leg, but the entire bird after trouncing Dallas. The rivalry, dating back to the 1800s when the Cowboys illegally used firearms to win match-ups against Buffalo, came to a head when Troy Aikman was carried to victory twice by his much better teammates. The Bills will destroy the Cowboys so thoroughly that the Hall of Fame will be forced to replace Aikman’s bust with Steve Tasker’s.
So there you have it. The Buffalo Bills find themselves on the rise at the perfect time to take revenge on the NFC East and Tennessee Titans. Decimating the demons of the past will be just the start as the Bills finally reclaim their powerhouse status in the NFL.