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The Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag, 7/14/2019

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This week’s theme: July 4th

Welcome, Buffalo Bills Mafia, to the Drunken Buffalo Bills Mailbag! Since Independence Day just rolled around once again, our theme for this week was July 4th, and Buffalo Bills fans on Twitter did not disappoint. Before answering questions this week, I enjoyed a few All-American Daiquiris, gave a stirring speech in my neighborhood through a bullhorn, then took down the alien mothership before it could destroy Earth.... You’re welcome.

This is not your average NFL mailbag. This is the mailbag for the loyalest of Buffalo Bills fans, for the men and women who buy up stacks of folding tables when they’re on sale and hoard them in their garages in the offseason, for those that will argue late into the night that Stevie Johnson was one of the five best receivers in the 21st century, for the fans that are psyched to see that Kawhi Leonard is joining the Buffalo Braves. This is the Beef on Weck of Mailbags!

Now on to the questions …

@MsAFromBK asks, “If the Buffalo Bills were to become a “nation” how would you imagine the story of their Independence Day?”

On a frigid and blustery evening of December 22nd of the year of our Lord, twenty and nineteen, Sean McDermott led his tattered and worn out troops past the Bar Louie at Patriot Place in a surprise attack against the old redcoats. McDermott’s forces were considered inferior and lacking supplies, but their morale was high, and all of the cowards and deserters that leave after halftime were long gone.

Bill Belichick, unprepared for the attack, sent out his best soldier, Tom Brady, into the cold wearing his bright red Pat Patriot throwback and a pair of comfy winter Ugg Boots. The Buffalo Bills intercepted Brady, and before Belichick could listen to the opposing locker room through a complex microphone system to adjust to the furious incursion, the rout was on.

McDermott’s best man, Josh Allen led the attack, gaining ground at will. Toward the end of the fight, Belichick knew the battle was over and redeployed his defeated forces, leaving a loyal Brian Hoyer to try to stem the attack as they retreated. Belichick and the old redcoats escaped but not unscathed, and he would no longer have the might to endanger Erie County ever again.

Soon, the Buffalo Bills sent Brandon Beane to the United Nations to plead their case for independence. After months of difficult bargaining, the Bills were recognized by seven major countries as an independent nation, and though Belichick and his Patriots were displeased by the results, they knew there was nothing they could do about it ever again.

@DrowningPool86 asks, “How does Josh Allen’s rocket arm compare in speed to a bottle rocket firework?”

Great question! Well, speed-wise, a bottle rocket is quick, but it’s not really fair to compare a quarterback’s arm to a black powder propellant, is it? In Josh Allen’s case, his unique throwing motion creates a fold or “warp” in the fabric of space time, thereby cutting the physical distance the ball must travel. This technique is considered experimental and dangerous to some in the theoretical physics community, as it allows Allen to bypass the light speed limitations imparted by Newtonian physics.

@TCBILLS_Astro​ asks, “Question: 2-part.
Why was America revolting in 1776?
Why is America STILL revolting in 2019?”

  1. Historians disagree on this point and have not reached a consensus, but the evidence seems to point to the idea that Americans revolted in 1776 because the Buffalo Bills didn’t appear until 1960.
  2. America is in deep unrest, and will continue to be, until the Buffalo Bills raise what is rightfully theirs: the Lombardi Trophy (henceforth named, the “Ralph Wilson Jr. Trophy”).

@TheBillsGuys asks, “Look back at The Revolution of 2012 when the Bills broke free of the shackles of the Toronto Series.

Who are the Founding Fathers of the Buffalo Bills?”

Ah yes, the war of 2012 nearly devastated Western New York. Canada, through its superior economics and aggressive tactics nearly captured Ralph Wilson Stadium. But through the help of Kim and Terry Pegula, the local community banding together, and the heroism of Pinto Ron, the Canadians were pushed back across the falls. Relations were restored when the Prime Minister of Canada could be heard meekly over the distance between the two countries saying, “Sorey, eh!”

@TheBillsGuys asks, “Have the Bills ever had a Benedict Arnold in their history? Maybe Gilmore???”

No. No players. No coaches. Only fans. The fans that claim to be Buffalo Bills fans but have another team as well, a frontrunner. That is no fan. There is one team, and their name is the Buffalo Bills, and those that would have eyes for another are truly lost. Amen.

@MsAFromBK asks, “If the Bills players took over the White House, what position would every player hold? Who would be president? Who would be the vice? Who would be in the cabinet?”

President: Kim Pegula
First Spouse: Terry Pegula
Vice President: Brandon Beane
Secretary of State: Sean McDermott
Secretary of Defense: Leslie Frasier
Secretary of Labor: Lorenzo Alexander
Secretary of Homeland Security: Tremaine Edmunds
Secretary of Education: Brian Daboll
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Frank Gore
Secretary of Energy: Devin “Motor” Singletary
Chairman of the Federal Reserve: Josh Allen (Because he’s throwing dimes)

@MsAFromBK​ asks, “Buffalo Bills theme, finish this song...

‘Oh, say can you see by the dawn’s early light...’”

You know you make me wanna (SHOUT!)
Kick my heels up and (SHOUT!)
Throw my hands up and (SHOUT!)
Throw my head back and (SHOUT!)
Come on now …

@FantasyZealot asks, “Which Buffalo Bill is most likely to pull a JPP [on July 4th]?”

I assume, of course, that you’re referring by those initials to John Paul, the Pope? Well, it’s a great question, Mr. Zealot, though I’m not sure how this applies to July 4th. Still, I’ll play your game. I think the Buffalo Bills are more of a team of faith (Billieve) and not religion, but if someone was to become Pope in the future, the obvious candidate is Matt “Cosa Nostra” Milano because it’s rumored that he can already speak 17 different languages, all of them in English, and his hat game is on point.

@stephietweets asks, “Does the elite US Women’s Team have a shot at winning the World Cup?

It was more of a sarcastic question lol of course we will win”

Well said, Stephie. Well said.

@TheMightyDeol asks, “What is July 4th? - signed Canada”

The greatest day in the history of the world, buddy.

But Canada, after your attempted takeover of the Buffalo Bills as described above, it might be best if you avoided jokes of this nature, lest we feel compelled to send Pinto Ron after you yet again.

@BruceExclusive​ asks, “Wearing the flag as an undergarment: lack of respect or ULTIMATE respect?”

Great question, Bruce. These are the important questions of our time.

On the one hand, it seems disrespectful to present the flag in such a manner. But on the other hand, to restrict an American Citizen’s right to do so would be to restrict his freedom. Maybe the answer is that the ultimate respect we can give to the flag is that we allow our citizens to represent however they see fit, and know that freedom, whether we agree with another individual or not, is what that flag represents.

God bless these United States.