Hello, and welcome, Buffalo Bills fans, to this week’s drunken Buffalo Bills mailbag! The team is coming back together this week, and, fittingly, this week’s mailbag theme is fast food and training camp. Before answering questions this week, I made sure to get myself all sauced up by drinking a large 50/50 mix of vodka and a Shamrock shake. I call it the “It looks the same way going in as it does going out cocktail”.
For those of you that don’t know, this is not your average NFL mailbag. This is the mailbag for the Bills fans that get more excited about Nick and Nolan coming to town to try wings and a garbage plate than if Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio filmed a scene in the 716. This is for those members of Bills Mafia that knows what the hell “weck” is. This is the mailbag for those great fans that do, indeed, wear their jerseys after the age of 30 and have no shame in their game. This is the Beef on Weck of Mailbags!
Now onto this week’s questions ...
@SouthtownsTicks asks, “What’s the best value at any fast food joint? Wendys current 4 for $4 is tough to beat. What say you?!” @JudgeMathes adds a similar question, asking, “Which 4 Bills Players w/ their current contract would you put on your Value Menu ”
This is great pair of questions. First of all, Wendy’s value menu is on point, and let’s face it, Brandon Beane is the Dave Thomas of general managers. So, which four players go on the Bills value menu? Here’s what I’ve come up with:
- Chicken nuggets: Cole Beasley because he’s quick, easy to complete, and pairs well with some BBQ sauce.
- Fries: Robert Foster is like those fries that just come out of the fryer and are a little too hot ... watch out or he’ll burn you.
- Large soda: Cody Ford because he seems like a really sweet guy, but if you get too much of him, he’ll bury you. Soda is unhealthy people. That’s what I’m saying.
- Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger: Duke Williams. At 6’2” and 215 lbs, he hits hard, and, just like the bacon, maybe we’ll see that little something extra from him in training camp.
@MsAFromBK asks, “Who will be the Big Mac, the Double Whopper with cheese or the Supreme Burrito in the end? Meaning who in your opinion will be the star of the menu at training camp?”
Great question! Obviously, Sean “Big Mac”Dermott is already a star. Quinton Spain at 6’5” and 335 lbs. is already known to be a Double Whopper to interior defensive lineman, and here’s the thing ... you can’t make a Supreme Burrito without Beane. I mean, you could, but you’d be a monster!
@MikeZimmersEars asks, “Is Five Guys considered fast food & are White Castle burgers even food at all?”
It’s funny you should ask that. In a recent paper, famous neuroscientist, Sam Harris, wrote about this exact issue. Now, granted, his technical jargon may be difficult for some readers to understand, but in his assessment, he wrote, “A cheezy and fry babies and a Cokie Wokie that cost 12 smackers ain’t fast food, bro. And any burg that’s half onion is half burg. That’s what they should call ‘em at White Castle: half burgs, y’all.”
@Buffalo_Trump asks, “No one loves fast food more than yours truly. Who on the Bills is more likely to love it more than me, Star, or Dawkins?”
Wow! I can’t believe you made time for us, Mr. President. What an honor to be asked such a tremendous question! First of all, ask the Clemson team. No one loves fast food more than you. That is true. But who on the Bills comes closest? The answer is actually surprising. It’s Victor Bolden Jr. He’s one of those irritating guys that can throw down three fast food meals and not gain any weight. How frustrating. Not all of us can keep a trim figure like you, Mr. President.
@martianm5 asks, “If train A leaves Penn Station going 71 miles per hour and train B leaves one hour later going 66 miles per hour, how long will it take @DDawkins66 and @JoshAllenQB to eat 50 hot wings?”
Let’s see ... add the denominator, carry the one, multiply times apple pie ... Here we go. It will take them three seconds less than Tom Brady’s current 40 time. Got to keep that protein intake up!
@TCBILLS_Astro asks, “Which #Bills’ RB matches each of these Yelp descriptions?
- Price could be easier on the wallet...pretty much like eating at Taco Bell.
- There are some healthier options, you’ll know why after an hour or so.
- Quick and easy
- In a pinch it will do.”
LeSean McCoy’s price could be easier on the wallet, and maybe there’s some regret in paying him this year. There are some healthier options than Frank Gore because he tends to correlate with difficult runs. Devin Singletary is quick and easy, and just like Little Caesar’s pizza, he pairs well with a nice sparkling Rosé, and in a pinch T.J. Yeldon will do ... but you may be hungry again in a half hour, so watch that.
@MsAFromBK loved Dean’s questions and asks, “I’m very inspired by Dean’s idea... Who/what reps these fast food slogans on the Bills:
- I’m lovin’ it!
- Finger licking good.
- Food with integrity.
- Where’s the beef?
- Think outside the bun.
- Have it your way.
(Extra points for guessing the chain.) ”
Excellent question! These are the important questions of our time. Well, everyone’s lovin’ Josh Allen in shorts, which is what training camp is. Tyree Jackson is finger lickin’ good because QBs lick their fingers a lot. You think they wash their hands before high-fives and glad handing? Zo is food with integrity. Where’s the beef? It’s Star Lotulelei. He’s the beef. Brian Daboll thinks outside the bun ... though he does enjoy a good bun. And who lets left tackles have it their way more than Jerry Hughes? You want to go left? Have it your way. Want to go right? Have it your way. He’s still going to get the quarterback.
BONUS POINT: The chain is ... Long John Silver’s! Nailed it.
@BillsJM asks, “If Sean McDermott opened up a restaurant, what would it be called? The theme?? What’s the most popular dish??”
Restaurant name: The Process Pub.
Theme: Bald is beautiful.
Most popular dish: Poached process with a side of process prawns and fried process pickles.
@JudgeMathes asks, “Which fast food, if eaten by a Bills players, would cause gas so foul/strong they’d have to evacuate SJF???”
This actually happened two years ago. Matt Milano, having acclimated to Buffalo cuisine by that point, accidentally ate a hot wing with ranch. Paramedics were called in, the area was evacuated so a hazmat team could come in and clean up the mess, and Milano eventually recovered ... but that memory will live with him for the rest of his days.
@Mottsawce asks, “Who gets there first: Robert Foster runs a 40 yd dash or Cody Ford polishes off a dozen wings?”
Why aren’t scientists asking these sorts of questions? Of course, I can’t answer that. No measurement technique on Earth is capable of tracking that sort of speed.
@MattHenry92 asks, “If you were to compare Sean McDermott and Josh Allen to a flavor of ice cream what would it be?”
Plum pudding. Much as those guys are exciting on the field, I’d bet money they are boring as heck off of the field, which is exactly what I want. Actual conversation:
ALLEN: What you doing tonight, coach?
COACH: Process. Trusting it mostly. What about you?
ALLEN: 16 hours of film study and a quick process break.
COACH: [audible claps]
ALLEN: Also, I might need to go buy some new shorts. Somebody keeps stealing mine.
COACH: I ... I wouldn’t know anything about that, Josh.
@bodotdot asks, “McDonald’s is coming out with a Buffalo Bills menu item. What’s it called?”
I was reminded of the McDonald’s Cornelius Bennett Triple Cheeseburger with “bacon in every bite” by one of Bills Mafia. Since Bennett is still getting shafted in terms of the wall of fame, I would say let’s bring that one back!
@fivesixer asks, “Who’s the next Bill appearing on a cereal box (anything other than flakes or O’s)?”
The obvious answer is Josh Allen. And it will be Allen’s bran cereal ... because like him, it’ll run right through you.
@Mottsawce asks, “If you put @JoshAllenQB on a bun, would he be considered a sandwich, taco, or hot dog?”
Mattsawce ... cannibalism is wrong, and I won’t have that on my mailbag! It’s wrong, and we shouldn’t even think about that, even if Josh Allen would look delicious piled high on a toasted hoagie bun with melted provolone cheese, mayo, banana peppers, grilled onions, all dipped in au jus ...
IT’S WRONG, MOTTSAWCE! Get that out of your head!
@thebillsblues asks, “If Sean McDermott was forced against his will to eat at a fast-food restaurant, which one would he choose? (hint, the answer is the place with the MOST processed foods).”
Sometimes in life, we ask questions we don’t need to because the answer was inside of us the entire time. I think we learned something here today.
@asper_nate asks, “What Taco Bell menu item best describes the personality of the 2019 Bills?”
Fire sauce. Not spicy enough ... but it’s getting there.
Pray for him, Bills Mafia ... he’s a lowly Lions fan. He doesn’t understand the spice.
@stephietweets asks, “Is In-and-Out overrated?”
Stephie, this is a family mailbag, and I’ll thank you to remember that! Still, I’ll try to help. I might suggest creating an account on OKCupid or Match ...
Oh, you mean the restaurant! I like In-and-Out. I lived in Cali a long time ago, and it’s the only thing I miss from that place, but I don’t know if it has changed, so I guess I’ll recuse myself from making this particular judgment.
And lastly, @TheMightyDeol asks, “We all know BigMacs go great with McD’s fries... tell me if BigMac is Josh Allen which receiver is his fries???”
Bills Mafia stepped up and kindly answered this question. Perhaps it’s time we let the people speak. In terms of fries, @TCBILLS_Astro suggests, “So, which one is the cold, less-salty one at the bottom? I’ll say Isaiah McKenzie.” @DillonBusby1 adds that “Beasley will be the fries but John Brown is the delicious Mac Sauce.” @SoCalBillsMafia tells us what she wants: “I’ll take a side of Bease, please!! ” And finally, @Jack_WanderS makes it clear that “John Brown is the Smokey flavor.”
Thanks for the great questions, Bills Mafia! Give all the people who asked questions a follow on Twitter, and let me ask you something: Where else would you rather be than right here right now? See you next week!