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April Fool’s: 25 Buffalo Bills headlines that could never, ever happen

But they did...

Matt Warren is Associate Director of NFL coverage for SB Nation and previously covered the Bills for Buffalo Rumblings for more than a decade.

Every year, brands and business put out an April Fool’s joke on the first of the month and they’re always lame. We decided to get in on the act this year, so here are some headlines that could totally never happen.

In reverse chronological order:

  1. Bills give 33-year-old a six-year deal as part of NFL’s highest 2022 payroll (March 30)
  2. Bills, NYS announce first new stadium deal in half-century with $850 million in public money (March 29)
  3. NFL changes rules to give Josh Allen a shot in overtime (March 29)
  4. RB backs out of contract with Bills to sign identical deal with Commanders (March 16)
  5. Beane says he’s not a fan of using future cap space with restructures, void years. (March 3)
  6. Bills bring back coach who they’d suspended for throwing beach chair at minor (February 7)
  7. Bills call squib kick, but no one tells the kicker (January 23)
  8. Chiefs go 45 yards in 13 seconds to score on Bills as time expires (January 23)
  9. Bills have NFL’s first perfect game only scoring touchdowns against Bill Belichick’s defense in playoff win(January 16)
  10. Matt Ryan fined for taunting Bills’ safety after not scoring touchdown (January 8)
  11. Josh Allen has third-most rushing touchdowns in Bills’ history (January 2)
  12. Steve Tasker not voted into the Hall of Fame for 15th straight time (December 31)
  13. Spencer Brown fined for chugging beer during NFL game (December 24)
  14. Josh Allen not elected to Pro Bowl (December 22)
  15. Bills fans donate more than $65k to Visually Impaired Advancement following refs’ blown calls (December 21)
  16. Mac Jones goes 2-of-3 passing in Patriots’ win over Buffalo (December 6)
  17. Bills hold Jaguars to 9 points, lose to Urban Meyer’s team after being 14-point favorites (November 7)
  18. Peyton Manning’s son picks Bills quarterback’s name for jersey (November 1)
  19. Bills have terrible win-loss record in blue pants (October 27)
  20. Dawson Knox throws successful two-point conversion pass with broken hand (October 18)
  21. Tennessee Titans throw illegal forward pass on special teams against Bills (October 18)
  22. Buffalo goes without long snapper at cutdown after A.J. Epenesa snaps in preseason finale (August 31)
  23. Bills outsmart all humans and math as anomaly Josh Allen signs quarter-billion-dollar contract extension (August 6)
  24. Josh Allen passed not-Bills QB Tom Brady for most wins in Orchard Park since 2000 (May 30)
  25. Bills’ draft pick celebrates by jumping through a table (May 1)