15 April Fool's Buffalo Bills headlines that will totally never happen: 2016 edition

It's April Fool's Day and in that spirit, several members of the Buffalo Rumblings editorial staff came up with the best zaniest, craziest Buffalo Bills headlines we could think of. Can you imagine!?

• "LeSean McCoy nightclub investigation meeting cancelled due to reporters hiding in bathroom"
• "Rex Ryan hires brother Rob Ryan as special defensive assistant"
• "Argument over beach chairs leads to Kromer suspension"
• "IK Enemkpali suspended four games for punching teammate, named Bills captain"
• "LeSean McCoy says Instagram party wasn't "no weird orgy thing'"
• "Tyrod Taylor is not wearing a diamond-studded mouthguard"
• "Bills-Jets uniforms make it impossible for color blind viewers to watch primetime game"
• "Duke Williams, Boobie Dixon exposed for trying to pick up porn stars on Twitter"
• "Tyrod Taylor heads to the Pro Bowl"
• "Matt Cassel throws 0 passes, gets win as starting QB in season opener"
• "Rex says Bills could keep 2 fullbacks on the final roster"
• "EJ Manuel takes new job as 'Hard Count Specialist'"
• "Bill Polian says he doesn't want consultant role with the Buffalo Bills, offers unsolicited consultation about the team"
• "Rex Ryan's defensive scheme is complicated, per Buffalo Bills players"
• "Leading Republican Presidential candidate says buying Bills would have stopped him from running"

What totally fake headlines can you come up with? (Here is the 2015 version, by the way, which was equally crazy.)