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Report: Pegulas’ Push For New Buffalo Bills Stadium Spurred By Wobbly Cafeteria Chair

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ONE BILLS DRIVE—New information has surfaced following the Buffalo Bills’ announcement of a viability study that will investigate both building a new stadium and making major renovations to its current one. According to sources, the decision was made immediately following a recent lunch meeting in which co-owner Terry Pegula suffered a bout with an unruly cafeteria chair.

“He would sit back, and the front leg of the chair would lift off the ground. Then he would lean forward, and the back leg of the chair would lift off the ground,” said cafeteria worker Leon Smith. “Dude was not happy.”

Pegula was seen shifting around in the chair in a growingly-frustrated manner before falling to his hands and knees with a handful of napkins in an effort to level it. According to sources close to the incident, Pegula was overheard saying, “G**damn 500-million-dollar renovation my a$$.”

Matters were made worse when Pegula could not find his favorite K-Cup flavor, “Jamaican Me Crazy,” at the cafeteria’s coffee station. After circling the station’s K-Cup carousel several times to no avail, the famously stoic owner could be heard saying, “Cool guys. Real cool. Guess I’ll have a g**damn Medium Roast. Not like I have a choice,” in a voice “loud enough to be heard but not directed at anyone in particular,” according to onlookers.

The last straw occurred when, upon Pegula’s return to the table, the lawless chair shifted a final time, causing him to spill coffee on his shirt.

Wife and Bills co-owner Kim Pegula unsuccessfully attempted to calm the red-faced owner, who answered only by screaming, “Not now, Kim! Not now!” before charging out the room with an intensified gait, his crisply coiffed hair reportedly bouncing with each harried step. Mere hours later, reports of Pegula’s recommendation for a viability study began to break airwaves.